For Korean Americans, Pre-Engagement Counseling Might Be The Better Option

Roy Kim

Asian couple
(Photo : Mr. Hayata/Flickr/CC)

Suppose you had a precious sum of money that you wanted to invest for retirement. You tell your financial advisor that you have your heart set on one particular fund. Your financial advisor winces and informs you that stats show an 85% probability of total investment loss. What would you do? Now consider this scenario: Suppose during the course of pre-marital counseling, your therapist told you that the history and trajectory of your interactions with your fiancee indicate an 85% probability of divorce? Though this may be an imperfect analogy, the spirit of this scenario sometimes plays out in my line of work.

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I get asked to do a fair amount of pre-marital counseling. On the whole, I really like to do pre-marital counseling. I love giving the couple the space to be candid with one another, and to consider important questions. I often witness a willingness to reinforce wonderful strengths, and to improve basic relational issues now and on into marriage. But every so often, a couple will come along that causes me grave concern.

The couples that worry me tend to have the kinds of issues that precipitate an 85% divorce rate, according to renowned marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman. At the very least, they are predicted to have a highly dissatisfying marriage. Simply stated, these issues are: Defensiveness, Criticism, Stonewalling, and Contempt. To be clear, all people fall short in these areas to some degree. Imperfection is not what causes me concern. What causes me concern are those who would score an F if relational grades could be handed out. I may provide a closer look at these issues in a future article, but for now, I'd like to focus on the factors that would make a couple go through with the wedding anyway.

What would make a conflicted couple ignore the 85% warning? Many reasons! They selectively don't believe in stats. They've been dating for a long time and so they feel marriage is the next logical step. They don't want to hurt the other person by reconsidering marriage. They've gotten used to mistreatment. The sex is great. One or both feel like this is their last chance to get married. They believe things will resolve themselves in marriage. They have faith that God will work all things together for the good of those who love Him. Their tickets to the Maldives are non-refundable and they've been going to the gym like crazy. And then there are the cultural reasons.

Cultural reasons may be the great x-factor in pushing a high risk couple down the aisle. For Korean Americans, reconsidering their marriage until destructive relational issues are resolved would be exponentially more difficult due to the shame they would experience. The internal protesting voices would be thunderous:

"What would dad and mom say? What would relatives think?"
"My parents are prominent in the church, how will they explain to their congregation that the wedding is postponed indefinitely?"
"My parents are long time friends with my fiance's parents. Their friendship would be ruined."
"We already had the Yak-Hon-Shik (engagement ceremony). There's no going back now."
"I've been serving my church faithfully for years, what would my congregation think of me now if I postponed the wedding due to some whack therapist saying we have major relational issues?"

Clearly, odds are stacked against Korean American engaged couples postponing a marriage to address core relational issues, much less ending the relationship. The common reasons make it difficult enough. The cultural factors make it feel nearly impossible. Therefore, I propose a basic tweak to the whole idea of pre-marital counseling: Do pre-engagement counseling. Yes, do the counseling before buying the ring, before doing the Yak-Hon-Shik, before going house hunting, before sending out Save the Dates, and definitely before going onto Expedia.

Pre-Engagement counseling has distinct advantages. The first advantage is it prevents the catastrophe of shame, both the feeling of shame and what shame leads to. You can spare yourself the awful conversation with your parents that starts with "Uh, Dad, Mom, I think you better have a seat." Secondly, pre-engagement counseling enables the dating couple to more honestly invest in the counseling process. When the wedding date is already set, sometimes the counseling is treated as a mere formality. However, without the pressure of dates, deposits, and shame, a dating couple can evaluate more honestly the state of their relationship, and make an informed decision about their future together.

I, too, believe that God does work all things together for the good of those who love Him. But rather than seeing this as a promise that God will transform an unhealthy relationship miraculously in marriage, I can confidently apply this promise to the other side of the coin. God will work out good things as a conflicted couple postpone marriage and work hard on addressing destructive relational patterns. God will work out good things even if they do not marry, or maybe precisely because they do not marry. This entails a different type of faith, a faith in Christ's gospel to cover our shame and heartache. But until this shame covering manifests itself, I can make one simple recommendation as a therapist:

Pre-engagement counseling.

Roy Kim
(Photo : Christianity Daily)

Roy Kim is an ordained pastor turned licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Fullerton and Pasadena in California. His education includes a bachelor's in English at UC Berkeley, an M.Div at Talbot School of Theology, and a Masters in Clinical Psychology at Azusa Pacific. Inspired by the help and healing he received, he has a passion to provide help and healing for others, especially for Korean American Christians and leadership. Visit his website: www.roykimtherapy.com.