An Affair to Dismember: Thoughts from a Christian Therapist on the Ashley Madison Scandal

Roy Kim

The Ashley Madison scandal has placed the issue of affairs in the national spotlight in recent months, with the focus mostly being on threats, resignations and suicides. As a therapist, I have counseled my share of both adulterers and betrayed alike (for lack of better terms). As such, I felt compelled to contribute some perspectives from the therapist's chair. I have dissected and identified some of the basic components of an affair, which hopefully will increase our understanding and lead to more prevention and healing.

The first thing I will mention is the uniquely awful nature of an affair. At the least, an affair produces a devastating loss of trust in the very person who vowed in front of God and witnesses to be faithful. This trust is painstaking to rebuild, but possible if the perpetrator is broken-hearted and willing to do whatever it takes to regain trust. Without both of these elements, couples counseling loses a lot of value.

However, what makes an affair uniquely awful is that it nearly always invites a terrible question for the betrayed regarding self-worth: Was I not _________ enough for him/her? One can fill in the blank with words such as "attractive," "sacrificing," "wealthy," etc., but it usually boils down to the word "good." As the betrayed continues to grapple with this question, the question then evolves from "good enough for him/her" to simply just "good enough." In other words, it's not just their worth to the spouse that is questioned, but their worth as a human overall.

For the adulterer, the agony is different. Guilt is the dominant feeling. This guilt can set in as early as immediately after the first crossed boundary of appropriateness. It then magnifies after a sexual encounter. In some cases, this guilt is the very thing that ironically causes the affair to continue. For a person with this big of a secret, the only person they can share these awful guilt feelings with is often the extramarital lover.

As the perpetrator finds relief in sharing this burden, an "us against the world" mentality can develop between the two, intensifying their connection, and perpetuating the cycle. Still though, most perpetrators wish wholeheartedly they had never gone in this direction, but are too ashamed to face the tough long road of repentance and reconciliation. This shame sometimes tragically leads to suicide.

As I listen to the stories of both the perpetrators and the betrayed, I have observed that very seldom is the affair about another person being better looking, more wealthy, etc. It's really more of how valued the other person makes the spouse feel. Also, though sex addiction is a genuine problem, it is not the cause of most of the affair stories I have heard. Obviously, a sex addiction therapist will report otherwise, but I am merely reporting my experience.

Most affairs are a result of a slow, unmonitored walk down a path of relationship death. I do not believe most one night stand affairs are split decision "mistakes." Rather, I believe the couple had created and lived in a system that made the affair a much more tempting offer than it needed to be. The perpetrator for sure is to blame for crossing each line of impropriety, but their system led them to each point.

How are such systems created? It begins with assuming that I/we are the exception. "I/He/She could never do such a thing" is music to Satan's ears, and makes light of the sinful nature we inherited. By saying this, I am not endorsing a spirit of mistrust of the other. Rather, I think we should realistically see the "I" and "thou" as capable of having an affair, not just the "bad" people we hear about. Even if we consider ourselves righteous people, I heard it said that "being righteous is not the same thing as being able to connect with a woman."

The system starts with this type of unguarded naïveté, and really takes form when we spend the best part of the day with a person of the opposite sex. Some years back, I counseled a man whose wife had multiple affairs. She had one affair with a coworker, and another affair was online. I asked him about his relationship with her prior to the affairs, and he said it was "fine." But upon probing more, it turned out that what was fine to him was not fine to her.

He increasingly grew uninterested in what she did or what she had to say, and so he gradually tuned her out. They cohabitated, talked about the kids, but that's about it. Desperate for a connection, she found that her coworker and the online man devoured anything she had to say. She felt alive, she felt noticed, and she was hooked. She spent the best part of her day with these other men, and the worst part of her day with her husband. Make no mistake, she was definitely accountable for each decision she made. She did not have to flee to other men, but the system of non-connection and lack of boundaries made it all too easy.

There is more to explain regarding these kinds of systems, but allow me to make just one suggestion for brevity's sake. This suggestion will not guarantee preventing an affair, but will help to create a type of relationship system that would greatly decrease the opportunities or the desire for an affair.

My suggestion is this: Find a distraction free place and time and do a check in with your spouse. During this check in, talk about the state of your union. Ask your spouse how the two of you are doing. How you make each other feel. Whether you feel valued. How you can feel more valued.

This is harder than it sounds! Couples are used to setting their lives on cruise control once they are married. But it's during the unmonitored times that the seeds of affairs germinate. Without realizing it, they will find comfort for themselves in other people who treat them like they were treated when they were first dating. A periodic check in will make opportunities for spouses to evaluate what they are needing or missing from the other, and give a chance for the other to meet that need so that they won't go looking for that met need in another lover.

Occasionally I will get resistance to this suggestion, often from men, such as "I'm a man, I don't do feelings" or "Being needy isn't what Asian men do." After repenting of rolling my eyes behind my hands, I would tell them "Your amazing masculinity and Asian-ness definitely impress me, but not so much your wife. Since you made a marriage vow to her and not to me, how about giving it a shot?" And then I would repent again for my sarcasm.

Friends, whether married or single, I encourage you to become good at knowing what you need relationally, and then expressing that need well. As always, I welcome your comments, as I learn from you just as much as you might learn from me. Feel free to visit my website at roykimtherapy.com, and drop me a line.

Roy Kim
(Photo : Christianity Daily)

Roy Kim is an ordained pastor turned licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Fullerton and Pasadena in California. His education includes a bachelor's in English at UC Berkeley, an M.Div at Talbot School of Theology, and a Masters in Clinical Psychology at Azusa Pacific. Inspired by the help and healing he received, he has a passion to provide help and healing for others, especially for Korean American Christians and leadership. Visit his website: www.roykimtherapy.com.